What has loss of my mother taught me

I don’t know why you are reading this. Maybe someone from your relatives is breathing out for a final few times right at this moment. Maybe you’re just experiencing a uncalmable pressure of pain in your chest because you know, that you will never run into a loved one, who has just passed away again. Maybe you’re just trying to better understand what someone from your friends, peers or relatives may be going through.

To be honest, it’s more than a hundred per cent sure, that you either have experienced, are experiencing or will experience something from the mentioned situations some time down the road. Death, just like childbirth, is one of the few natural and essential stages of every single human life.
Despite it being so natural and common it really hurts. We, humans, are social beings. A sudden realisation that someone of our kind has to be immediately and irretrievably removed from all of our social circles is an ultimately terrible nightmare.
Considering how much pain death causes to man’s soul, the society perceives death almost exclusively as a negative chapter of one’s life.
It really is understandable. However, I feel and I have personally experienced, that loss of someone we love somehow propels us forward.
It lets us or rather forces us to grow, change our point of view and transform our lives.
No, I don’t want to be a revolutionary and change widely accepted negative outlook on death to a positive one. I just want to point out a few aspects of life where I can clearly see quite a lot of advancement thanks to the death in my closest family.

It’s not easy to write this and if you ever went or you are now going through a phase, where you cannot see a single ray of hope shining through the never-ending darkness of death around you, this blog won’t be easy for you to read.

Acknowledging my wretchedness

I have the honour to quote wise words of my close friend that beautifully and accurately convey the message I’ve come up to during this hard period of my life:
“We the people have so few things in our own hands, but it takes us horrifyingly long to realise that.”
Becoming aware of this truth about yourself which often turns our priorities upside down takes much time and requires a lot.
I belong to the group of the “lucky ones” who became aware of this truth at a relatively young age.
Observing people around me I can say that acknowledging this truth about oneself after many years during which one flourished is excruciatingly painful. If becoming aware of this fact about myself cost me litres of blood flowing right from my heart, it could easily be hectolitres of this rare, yet essential liquid. The problem is that exsanguination occurs only after a few litres…

Importance of friendship

Many of my friends really helped me endure this trial of life. They were listening to me, showed compassion and advised me when I wasn’t sure, which I never was. To put it simply, they gave away part of themselves as a gift, administered a transfusion so I don’t bleed out and to be able to recover at all.
I never considered friendships to be of great importance. I had never agreed with quotes and idioms about true friendship. I never thought I could ever feel the power of authentic and strong friendship.
Suddenly a situation I wouldn’t be able to handle on my own came.
My close friends helped me overcome the unbearable pressure of pain. I feel really thankful for them and for what they’ve done for me.

Maybe you too are sceptical to believe in the overwhelming strength of true friendship. Maybe you feel that you would never be able to truly rely on any of your “friends” and the sheer pressure of pain would’ve crushed you…
Now I’d like to draw your attention to the words of Ernest Hemingway:

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”

  You can’t say there is no one to be entrusted with your true “you”, with everything that haunts you, if you have never even tried it. Maybe you will experience disappointment, but it is completely worth it for the gift of true friendship that keeps you stable on stormy oceans of life.

“No one truly cares about me…”
Isn’t this something we tend to think really quite often?
If you’ve ever felt the same, I have good news for you: No, no, no… It’s just not true. You’d feel shocked how many people care about you more than you ever cared about them. Colleagues at work, classmates at school. People you dislike, even hate, but they still care.  Maybe people whose names you don’t even know, even they carry part of your burdens in their heart.

Living now, in the present

I always thought that I have a lot of time in this world. After all, some people live for 80, 90 or even more than 100 years. Surely, that’s enough time for everything. Enough time to adjourn my tasks for tomorrow, enough to adjourn uncomfortable things for eternity, enough time to live as I wish.  I’m surely going to have enough time to change my life…

Blow, delivered by life really harshly disproved my thoughts.  Mum’s death was unexpected and quick. She closed her eyes and in a bit more than 24 hours exhaled for a final time.
The idea that a quick and unexpected end of my life could come at any time suddenly became real. It isn’t just a misty idea I had never really considered anymore. It became one of my main criteria in many of my decisions, it simply became part of my life. It’s one of those motivations that force me not to adjourn important things to infinity. It forces me to live every moment as best as I possibly can.

Asking hardly answerable questions

When you go through a painful period of life which loss of a loved one doubtlessly is, it is absolutely rational to ask a lot of different questions.
Why did it happen? Does my God work (or any other divine being I believe in)? Why did he let these hardships upon me? Why do we say that He is good if there is so much evil in the world? Does He act at all? Is He even real?...

Searching for answers to questions which in many cases don’t even have definite answers is not effortless and pleasant. If asking these questions is caused by something painful, answering them will be just as painful. One could describe it as a vicious circle full of pain, but my experience is a bit different.
I feel that although it may appear to be a painful vicious circle it’s totally worth it. Every single answered question moves me a bit forward, but I also come across new, undiscovered and unexplored horizons. When looking for answers I always start asking some more. In existential and philosophical questions I found an opportunity for infinite growth. An infinite growth in faith, hope and trust.

Be brave! Don’t be afraid to ask questions that are difficult to answer. You will discover the strength of faith, hope and trust, which will carry you in times when you need it the most.

Being real about your qualities

Let’s be honest. Many young people lay the load of their duties on the backs of their parents.  I was not an exception. My parents cared about many small and big things, many of which I would’ve been able to handle on my own. Maybe some with a bit of self-sacrifice and courage, but I would’ve handled them. However, it really is comfortable to lay the burden of situations, where I don’t feel 100 per cent self-reliant on willing relatives.
My mum was a typical example of a selfless woman that was willing to do anything that wasn’t pleasant enough for me. All of a sudden, just after one swing of a magic wand she was gone. Suddenly I had to solely rely on my own abilities I was born with and which were developed in me during an upbringing full of love.
I had been forced to come out of my comfort zone and walk in doubt many times. In the fog of uncertainty and in the darkness of the unknown I found myself and what’ve I been so generously gifted with.
Staying in your comfort zone implies only one thing – stagnation. If you stagnate, you don’t grow and you just can’t discover the incredible spiritual wealth you’ve been gifted with.

I invite you to grow. I invite you to get out of your comfort zone so you can discover your true potential. Yes, you may and probably will collide with barriers of your personal limitations, but I’m sure these barriers will be much further away than you ever imagined.

Becoming aware of God’s unlimited strength, mercy and love

Nearly all Christians tend to think this or similar when things don’t go according to our plans: “No, God does not act, it’s not worth it, screw it.”
No one is exempt from doubtfulness, neither had I been an exception. Then why do I mention God’s immeasurable strength? Because a trauma as serious as a loss of a mother or a father has the power to literally destroy someone’s spirit, has the power to turn them into a total wreck.
I decided not to follow my great doubt and separate myself from God, I rather decided to faithfully entrust him with everything I went through.  No, my faith wasn’t as hard as a rock, I just couldn’t see any other solutions…

“Think of your own history when you pray, and there you will find much mercy,” says Pope Francis in apostolic exhortation Gaudete et exultate. I absolutely agree with this expression, because it absolutely accurately expresses what I feel. When I look back to see what I experienced after surrendering myself into God’s will, I feel astonished. God really acted in me and my life saved me from becoming a wreck. He carried me over all the pain and suffering with his mighty hand.
I’m sure God acts in your and my life much more than we see. The situations where we are aware of God’s actions are less than a tip of an iceberg. Despite only a small number of situations which we are aware of can experiencing God’s influence move us nearer to impeccable faith and trust. Because to truly believe means not only to believe in someone’s honourable existence, it means to believe someone, to trust them. It means to trust that Him that what he is doing is always good, even if I don’t find it that way.

Spiritual maturity

“You have such a venerable soul,” one of my friends once told me.

“You are one of the most mature guys in this community,” noticed someone else.

I hear similar expressions quite often. However, I have no right to be proud and boast off, because this quality has been generously given to me. It’s been given to me in the situation through which I could’ve crossed hand in hand with God, or rather be carried through it in his embrace. Thanks to this situation my point of view on many things started gradually changing, my opinion on many people has changed and I started to ask questions that most people never ask.

„In all aspects of life we can continue to grow and offer something greater to God, even in those areas we find most difficult, “says Pope Francis.

It would be really dumb to be thankful for all the pain I experienced during the period when my beloved mother was leaving this world.
Despite everything, I feel thankful for all the lessons life kindly offered to me in this sad and painful chapter of my life.
Because everything, everything negative, sad or painful in our lives carries something at least a little positive. Something that propels us forward…

 PS: If anyone ever comes across this article I'd like to let them know that this is my first ever blog in English and I'd like to apologise for any mistakes in the text. Hopefully the content outweighs them...